Posts Tagged ‘life’

Death By Cop

Posted: November 15, 2013 in Uncategorized
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From the outside, looking down at my life at 5:30 a.m. after waking up early, this was written.
There was a feeling I had as a kid on occasion where you would be looking out the window at others enjoying recess at school, or playing in the yard, and feeling sad because I was not able to participate. That feeling came back and for the first time I was able to identify the reason.
Growing up in a world surrounded by certain types of people who all had amazing stories and in a way were heroes to me fulfilled a certain part of my emotional being. A lot of people would tell me that it’s stupid to have feelings like this but they don’t know because it’s not their world. As I entered adulthood those emotions drove me to want to be like these people. I keep saying “these people” and mentioning “heroes” but at this point you are thinking these are riddles.
These people are everyday heroes to many kids that I was proud to call Dad, friend, guardian and other names I can’t even think of. I was a cops kid, a son of a military parent, a brother who had to watch out for sisters because dad was working or deployed, and a role model to others that would let them down because I didn’t understand the importance of my role in life and what God wanted of me.
For the first time, thanks to a deputy on the side of the road helping me with an accident report, I was able to piece it together. I wanted to be accepted by him but didn’t know why. He spoke to me as I have spoken to others throughout life on occasion. As if I was a stranger and whatever I said would be dismissed as someone trying to get out of something like a ticket, or being arrested, neither of which happened I have to add.
When Dad was killed by a man who didn’t think about his actions beyond his own selfishness of wanting to die by a method many have come to know as ‘death by cop’, my world was changed forever. From March 20th, 1996 until November 13th, 2013 these emotions affected my life in a manner that was unexplainable. Now I know that there was a reason behind my transient nature as a young adult. Not holding jobs for very long, wanting to travel to experience as much as possible, and most of all seeking approval from those around me. I was trying to reach that level that was held so high and out of reach as a child.
Past jobs included being a Medic in the Army, Corpsman in the Navy with the Marine Corps, Iraq war veteran, Deputy Sheriff, Financial Loan Specialist, Construction worker, Entrepreneur, Insurance Agent and others that I can’t think of right now. Always chasing something that was one step ahead of me. Working to find happiness when in retrospect I have things that others envy or look up to. This may seem arrogant but I’m just going off what others have told me and I thank them for hitting me over the head with this truth.
I accepted Christ as my personal savior in September of 1997 in Minneapolis, MN and have a beautiful wife and 4 wonderful children that others are constantly telling me are ‘wonderful and well behaved kids’. I am so proud of all of them for different reasons and would not change my life for anything. Going forward I am accepting responsibility for life and will do my best to make it a Godly life that they will hopefully want to follow.
Unfortunately I am not perfect and will continue to disappoint people because after all, I am human and a sinner at heart just like everyone else. With that being out there let’s go. Bring it on world! I’ve been blessed by God and am ready for whatever life has for me!
If you don’t agree with me that’s fine because this is my story not yours, but I hope that you are bold enough to share yours with others. So many people, including myself, have thought about suicide at some point and I hope that we can prevent people from going through with it. The reasons people do it are unknown in many cases but I believe that self worth is a key. One thing that we can grasp on to and get through these moments with is the fact that God loves you and there are many people in your life that love you, even if you don’t see it. Lack of communication is the # 1 reason for divorce and I believe also a huge factor in people taking their own life. If you love someone please tell them before it’s too late.
That’s all I got. You’re welcome to comment but only if it’s uplifting to others. Be yourself and others will respect you for it. If you are fake they will see through it and not want to be around you. If they don’t respect you, maybe it’s time to make a change in the people you hang out with.